Evil manager aspirations

Things I daydream about forcing on my staff when I am at the end of my rope:

• If you say something to a coworker in a tone of voice you wouldn't use with a patron or using words you wouldn't use with a patron, you owe them a public apology.
• You are now required to read any Google or Yelp review that mentions you, positive or negative.
• Every week I place 5 index cards with your name on them in commonly-ignored places in the library (display stands that don't get refilled, items on the request list that are a tiny bit hard to find and therefore left on the list for days at a time, etc.). If you don't find all 5 of yours throughout the week, you're fired.
•  One of those bathroom checking logs like gas stations have--sorry, but I don't believe you're checking them every hour. The level of mess when I check them gives it away.
• For every document you pre-print that you are supposed to print on demand for patrons from the library website to avoid wasting paper, you are docked a dollar of pay.
• Everyone is randomly assigned a new desk every 3 months, because apparently we need A) practice adjusting to change and B) bigger incentives not to be hoarders.
• Anyone who is STILL habitually putting things on the wrong place on the reshelving carts must go to storytime like a toddler until you can prove to me you can follow the alphabet.

Labor Day weekend patrons

A patron with a stack of DVDs to return: Oh, I thought y'all would be closed today...since you're not, can I get more movies?

 Mom and toddler approach the desk. Mom to toddler: go on, ask her.
Toddler: I need to do some work on the computer. Can you please help me?
Mom (quietly): He wants you to put in the password so he can play on the little kid's computer.
Me: Of course! Let me come around and put in the password for you.
Mom and toddler, one more seriously than the other: Thank you!

The phone rings during this exchange and I hear my coworker having half of a looooong conversation: "Well, it looks like it would really depend on the kind of condition the coin is in, sir...does it have a year on it?...I'm seeing as little as 24 dollars and as much as about 300...of course you're welcome to bring it in, and we'd be happy to show you the websites I've been looking at, but as far as me looking at the coin, I'm not an expert, I mean, I haven't had any kind of special...no, I'm afraid I won't be in tomorrow, but really you could talk to any of my coworkers, because they will know just as much about coins as I do...all right, sir, I'll see you next week." [big sigh]

Can you help me find a book like this, but in English? 

Can you help me find a book like this, but in Spanish?

Our branch is scheduled for a minor renovation to the entryway of the building, which means temporarily removing the security gates so that the workers can pull up the carpet, etc. It really shouldn't be a big deal, but a couple of people on staff are convinced it's going to be a huge headache. One of them returns from her lunch hour via the public entrance, sees that the security gates are gone, and says darkly "And so it begins!"

Lots of hang up phone calls, which I suspect are people trying to figure out if we are open or not. I can't decide if that's more or less annoying than them asking "Hi, are you open?"

Coworker: Did you already tell those kids they couldn't play with their gliders in the children's area?
Me (braced for frustration and eye rolling): Um...no...actually I told them they had to move over there from the 900s, but that they could play with them in the kid's area if it wasn't bothering anyone else.
Coworker: ...Oh, okay, good, me too.