Good (well, decent) Friday patrons

I'm not even supposed to be on the desk this hour. I came out to talk to a crabby patron who wanted to dispute a fine and then got trapped. The patron is mad because we charged her for extensive highlighting and underlining--the book was so bad when it was returned that we took pictures and then withdrew it on the spot. She keeps saying "But you have the book! How are you still charging me if I gave the book back!?"

Are you going to be closed tomorrow?

Can I ask you a wishy-washy question? What do you personally think the phrase "capture the narrative" means?

Kids: We found the Easter eggs you hid. Don’t worry, we hid ‘em again in new spots.

I wanna return these 10 movies, then I'm gonna get 10 more.

How do I print, x3.

How do I get on a computer, x10.

How old do you have to be to get a library card? Can I sign my sister up for one or does my mom have to come?

Can you help me request these books? I wanted the whole series but I only got two because the computer didn’t like me.

Is it possible for me to use a phone anywhere around here?!

A kid has an AMAZING tantrum when her mom won’t let her use the computer. I hand her a board book and she stops just long enough for me to get my hopes up that I'm secretly the Toddler Whisperer, then lets out an eardrum-shattering scream.

Oh, gotta go. I think I just spotted our security guard walking Not a Service Dog past the front door. Boundaries, SG! Boundaries!

I own this library

This weekend I finally had to ban one of our regulars from the library, not for one egregious incident but for a bunch of little things that just weren't getting better despite constant warnings from staff and one-day 'bans.' I felt kind of bad going to do it because she definitely has something aytpical going on mentally, and I don't know how much she really understands what we're saying to her. Here's how the conversation went:
Security guard: So you need to leave this library, and you won't be allowed to come back here for three months. Do you understand?
Patron: I'll be back next week.
Security guard: What?...But, the manager and I will be here and we will know you are not allowed.
Patron: Oh, you won't be here anymore. I own this library, and I will replace you. I just need a week to bring on some new people.

After we escorted her out, I found that she had glued a bunch of random objects to one of our wooden tables with a huge glob of super glue, so I didn't end up feeling too bad for her.

Great week

Chatty security guard: Hello, Emma! How are you today?!
Me: Fine, thanks. How are you? 
CSG: I'm great! This is a great week! Do you want to know why?
Me: Why?
CSG: Because the police and the EMTs have not been here a single day this week!