Minimal overlap

Things I have to say to patrons:
"Excuse me, sir, is that your saw blade?"
"It doesn't matter if that's you in the picture, it's still not okay to look at pictures of naked people on the library computers."
"I'm sorry, but if I have to ask you to put your shoes back on again, I am going to have to ask you to leave the library for the day."
"Is that your son trying to run out the front door?" 
"I'm sorry, you really can't go in the restroom right now. I promise the plumbers are working on it."
"Sorry, I'm not going to ask kids to leave the library because they are laughing. This is the children's area." 
"I'm just trying to do my job."

Things I have to say to staff:
"No, please don't 'introduce termites' onto the dead tree outside as a solution. I'm sure the city will come cut it down soon."
"I know that email looks like a scam, but I swear it really is from I.T. and you really do have to do that cybersecurity training. Yes, I know it's ironic."
"If this graphic novel makes you uncomfortable, you can fill out the same complaint form a patron would fill out. Please don't just hide it at your desk without checking it out."
"Sorry, you can't have book cart races."
"The library will be FINE. Please, just go home and take some cold medicine."
"I'm just trying to do my job."

Where my house moved

Friday afternoon on the 2nd floor of Downtown Library:


Years ago, I used a service where you could have them call a friend and sing them happy birthday. But I just tried to call them and it didn't work. Do you think you could find another phone number for them? Or another company that does the same thing? I think they are based in California, if that helps.


Can you renew this book for me? I keep trying to read it on the bus, but people always talk to me. We know each other well, this patron and I, so I say, "maybe you need to look meaner."


Excuse me, can you help us with the scanner? Common scenario where the parent thinks they need help but the kid disagrees.


Hello. Is this your local history research department? I have a really odd question for you [for once someone said this and their question was actually kind of odd!]. When the highway was built through town, they demolished most of the houses, but they put my grandmother's house up on blocks and moved it across town. Can you help me see if I can figure out where they moved it to?


I need some articles that are pro or con. I am writing a paper about smartphones. Can you help me?


Mormons come in. Sure, you are welcome to use our computers, 'Elder' John, just please don't leave literature that I will just have to throw in the recycling when you leave!


Do you have meeting rooms there? What do you need to do to reserve one?


Excuse me, can you tell me how to find a copy of the book When Panic Attacks?


Is the library showing a movie tomorrow afternoon?


I understand that it's empty, but I still need you to throw your box of Dots candy away.


I lost my phone--someone stole it, actually--so I want to make a new email address since it was all on auto-fill and everything. That sucks, sir, I'm sorry!


One old man is teaching another old man to use ebay. The teacher says, "If I'm too loud, please tell me!" Sorry, but you are a little bit too loud.


Oh no! Why is the text so giant? Is this a special computer for people who are visually impaired?

Insisted

Today an older lady insisted that her email address was 'yahoo@montana.com.' Bonus horror: She was trying to apply for a job as a caregiver to seniors.

Miscellaneous problems

Phone call:
Me: The East Side Library, this is Emma speaking. How can I help you?
Caller: Are y'all doin' votin' down at the liberry?
Me: Yes, ma'am, 'til 7 p.m.

I am trying to help a woman email something to herself but it keeps failing because she insists on typing the subject line in the 'to' field of her message and won't enter an email address at all.

I don't know how to describe the patrons who remain in the library at closing. I say things like, "Did the guy in the black shirt with the laptop leave?" and it would help if there were a politically-correct and non-ridiculous way to say "The guy of East-Asian ancestry with the laptop"--it's okay to say "the white woman" or "the black guy" but there is no good way to describe the skin color of people who are neither black nor white...

Hotmale.com

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Things the library cannot do for you

1. Make a copy of this already-giant map, "in color and about twice this size."
2. Help you fill out a Medicare form, with your nine-year-old son as translator.
3. Guess your username, password, or security question answer for any website.
or,
4. Find your lunch, which you left in the library earlier.

Mostly boring refgrunt

Copy and Paste Guy (one of my favorites) wants help getting just an article he is reading online, not all the comments, into a Word document to print. I reiterate how to copy and paste but end up doing it for him after a valiant effort on his part, as usual. He just can’t seem to master the text-selecting part.

Do you need help finding your hold, ma’am? What’s your last name? Rodriguez. Okay, so look under R-O-D. Now what is your first name? No, Rodriguez, R-O-D-R.

A rowdy regular (a nice kid, just a lot more energy than discipline) runs by. He slows to a guilty walk as soon as he sees me looking at him but all I was going to do was compliment his new mohawk.

Can I borrow your pin? (Of course this is Texas and he is saying pen but sometimes I still mishear it since I am a recent immigrant.)

Excuse me, I looked up this book in the catalog and it says it is in the ‘story collection.’ Where is that? I explain and ask her if I can walk her over to it, but she says “No, I’m an old librarian.”

Cute little boy: What is my PIN number? I explain that it is the ‘last four numbers in your telephone number’ and a moment later hear him carefully repeating that to his mom or dad over at the computers.

Caller wants an audiobook from the Babylon Rising series.

Show a new library user how to print. He balks for a moment at ten cents a page but decides to go for it—he needs his company to reimburse him for his phone bill. Spend a moment commiserating about the difficulty of getting large entities to reimburse you for anything.

Help the same guy send his first email ever (?). Pretty much my favorite thing!

Five seconds away from calling the Story Collection lady  to let her know we have her bag when I discover that she is still in the library, despite saying ‘I’m going to just set this here for a moment while I go grab that book’ half an hour ago.

Son of coworker conscientiously returns a wiimote.

It’s three weeks [for book checkout], right?

A guy with an unlit cigarette sticking out of the side of his mouth sees me looking at him and says “Hi, howarya?”

I want to return this book. Okay, do you see the window…aaaaand she walks away.

Captains and Kings (TV series).

The Pearl by John Steinbeck—put on hold at another branch but it never came. Fortunately, it’s here!