Sunday shift

It's 55 degrees outside today in February and I am stuck inside on the Sunday shift. I'm struggling to be my normal sunny self with patrons.


Everyone is dressed up fancy since they've come from church, so that's nice at least.


Can you show us how to use the copier?


Do you have a Spanish-English dictionary? Thank you! What about CDs?


A man comes every day to read the day's newspaper, which we have to keep at the desk and hand out only if you give us something to hold for ransom because otherwise people steal it. Every day, when he returns the newspaper he jokingly says "Catch!" and pretends he is going to throw it to me instead of handing it back. Every day it is just as funny to him as it was the day before.


I don't have my library card. Can you look up my number?


A woman sets down a book and her library card silently on the desk and looks at me expectantly. Sorry, I can't check anything out at this desk. Not unless you want to set off our gate alarm, anyway, since I don't have a desensitizing pad.


A girl asks for several Blues Clues movies, and also Paranormal Activity 2. One of these things is not like the other...


A woman can't get on the computer because she's trying to use a friend's card number and the friend has too many fines. She can't use her own card because it also has too many fines. Of course this is our fault.


The woman whose statistics tutor I accidentally became wants to know: Can you help me figure out what a null hypothesis is?
Let's look in the index of your textbook, ma'am.


There's nowhere to plug your phone up at?


Do you have color paper that you can purchase? (People really think we are an office supply store. If you set up in the little shop for rent right next to us in the strip mall, you could make a killing.)


Do you have a scanner?


A man visiting from some southern state still hasn't figured out, after visiting three days in a row, which are the guest computers and which ones require a library card to use.


Show someone how to add page numbers to a Word document.


Polite kid: Excuse me, I was wondering where your comic books are.


Can I leave these bags here while I go to the restroom? (No.) Also, where is the restroom?


Mr. Timmons brings me candy *every day* now. I think I might have to tell him I'm on a diet. That's a total lie, but I know he doesn't have a lot of money and also most of the candy is pretty weird.


Do you have a pen? Never mind, I need a marker.


Can you help me? I accidentally clicked something and the menu went away on Microsoft Word.


Do you have Orange is the New Black, season 1?


Show two different people how to use what IT (presumably ironically) calls our "self service" print release station.


The 'closing in 15 minutes' announcement plays over the PA system. Thank goodness!