Will you be here the rest of the day?

“I need you to fax something for me.” As they would say over at Love the Liberry, that’s NASWP (Not A Service We Provide). It turns out she can’t use our fax machine anyway (it only takes credit cards) so I give her directions to a local business where she can pay in cash. Our conversation about it goes like this:

Me: “The closest place where you can pay cash is called the Local Fax Company, and it is at the southwest corner of A Avenue and B Street, behind the McDonald’s.”

Woman: “Okay (pause) what did you say it was called?”

Me: “The Local Fax Company.”

Woman: “And where is it?”

Me: “Just up the street at A and B.”

Woman: “And they take cash?”

I need to give someone else’s speech. Can you find me a speech to give?

I have some prints but I don’t know how…okay, when you are ready to print, let us know and we will show you.

A woman wants the book Unbroken. We have five items in our system with that title and she doesn’t know the author. It turns out she wants to prison one, but the nonfiction WWII prison one, not the fiction young adult prison one. Also she can’t find her interlibrary loan (that’s because we now keep them behind the desk because people were stealing them).

Show the Prints guy how to send a print job to the printer, which consists of clicking “Ok” to a million prompts. I expect to see him a third time when he actually goes to release them at the station where you pay.

Can I borrow a pen?

Different guy needs to know how to print.

Prints guy strikes again.

More printing.

Do you have a copy machine?

The second printing guy comes and says “Thank you ma’am” and SHAKES MY HAND. Then he does the same to the woman at the customer service desk.

Can I have more time on the computer?

A well-known regular, who had been absent for a long time, returns with a vengeance. She has a complaint about the fans in the computer room, which blow down onto the patrons. This is TOTALLY inacceptable and they should blow straight across above the patrons’ heads. I tell her I can consult with someone else, but she says can’t you do it, you are a librarian! Actually, no I’m not, I tell her. So you have to ask your boss? Yes, yes I do, and the fans are up very high so I don’t think I can do anything about it immediately anyway. She says “Well, before I talk to the manager of the whole library can you at least come and look at it?” and I make the mistake of saying “Well I can, but I don’t see what that will accomplish because I can’t actually do anything about it.” But she wants me to go in anyway and I duly nod my head as she explains her objections in detail. Then I have to spend 20 minutes helping her with Microsoft Word! When I finally escape, she says the most ominous eight words a library staff person can hear: “Will you be here the rest of the day?”

Do you have a disinfectant wipe?

How do I get onto a computer?

Have the 1040 instruction booklets come in yet? Do you know when they will come?

More Word help for massively high-maintenance Fan Woman.

Copier help.

Excuse me, I want to see how available this book is. (He wants to place an interlibrary loan request.)

Third visit for Word help to Fan Woman.

Gone for Soldiers by Jeff “Shira.”

Can you help me get onto this computer?

Can you help me copy and paste? It won’t let me right-click. (Thank goodness for keyboard shortcuts!)

I don’t want these books but I don’t remember where they go.

A kid wordlessly hands me some books. If you want to check these out, you have to go to the customer service desk. Sorry.

Are these bookmarks free?

A book series. All the titles end in “from the black lagoon.” Found!

How do I get on the wireless?

Can you help me with a book? I don’t know if it’s here. Sorry, it’s across town at another branch, but I can call them for you…