Today I woke up exactly 30 minutes before I was supposed to be at work. I was not prepared for Jumpsuit Man to be my first patron this morning: "Do you have Teaching as a Subversive Act? No!? Seriously? That's a classic!" (We got it through interlibrary loan, and it's actually called Teaching as a Subversive Activity and it was first published in 1969.)
Regular who always comes in to read the newspaper: "Good morning, ladies!"
MUFON Man calls to see if I can help him pick out a computer for his friend's birthday. "Can you please go to w,w,w,dot,staples,dot,com?"
"Good morning, ladies!" regular: Yesterday I sent an email to the Trump campaign...I've been a supporter from the beginning, but lately they've been talking to me like I'm an idiot...I don't want to donate money online, because anytime you do anything online there are hackers trying to get into it...a money order is better...I told them they can kiss my ass. Can I say 'ass' on a library computer? It's in that book right over there...anyway, they wrote back and apologized and now they're all nice to me...I'm gonna write in Bernie anyway.
Janis: Hi Emma...Hi Emma!...I'll put my ice water on the floor.
Do you have any books on stencils? Clip art? What about those Indian things? Mendelas?
Janis: Can you help me find Big Brother and the Holding Company, full concert!?
Someone has been trying to log into Minecraft of one of the catalog computers.
Patron: Can you help me find books on building a garage or a pole barn?
Me: Sure. So you're looking at building a completely new building on your property, not redoing one that's already there?
Patron: Well, the bank's property, but yeah.
I need help with the printer.
MUFON Man: I was wondering if you could you help me with a number for the Post Office.
A woman hands me her ID.
Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Woman (glaring): ...sorry, I need a scanner. I forgot what I wanted for a minute. I thought you'd know because I always get it.
I lost my library card. What should I do?
Patron: Stupid question, but [shows me library card]: This is your library card, right?
Me: Yes. Are you having trouble getting on the computers?
Patron: Yes, it gives me an error message.
Me: Mind if I take a look at your account?...Oh, I'm afraid your card is expired. You don't have any fines or anything, so if you have an ID with you, it's a simple process to--
Patron: Let me guess. I have to go downstairs.
My explorer is not working.
Excuse me, I'm at a website that is telling me to fill out a form, but no form appears.
Can you show me where 921 is?
Bye, Emma! I'm leaving now. The bottom button on the elevator, right, Emma? Bye!
MUFON Man: Could you help me with the phone number for the Sprint store?
MUFON Man calls again: I'm sorry, I needed the one at the Westwood Town Mall. Thank you so much! I appreciate all your help. Also, could you help me with the number for Builder's Reclaimed Lumber Supplies?
Can you tell me why my card isn't working? I know I only have a two dollar fine!
Help someone with her timesheet system online.
Caller: I wanted to see if you had a book or could put me on hold for a book. It's called Prime.
Me: Is it by Poppy Brite?
Caller: No, she had an Indian name. Like from India.
Me: Hm...can you tell me anything else about the book?
Caller: Well, you know how they are saying now that everything is about your gut? You make your gut healthy and that will affect all parts of your body? She's a natural doctor and her book is about that.
Me: Might it be The Prime : prepare and repair your body for spontaneous weight loss by Kulreet Chaudhary?
Caller: yes, that's it! Thank you!
Patron: Do you have any books about wickham?
Me: Let me see. Can you tell me any more about that?
Patron: You know, like white magic.
Me: Unfortunately, it looks like most of our books about Wicca are checked out. Would you like me to put in a request to have something sent over for you from another library?
Patron: No, I just want to see what you have here. How about this one? Do any of these look good?
Patron: I don't want anything about witches. They do good magic. They don't believe in warlocks and stuff.
Me: Well, this one you are interested in is a history of witches, so it looks like it will only cover Wicca right at the end.
Him: That's fine. I don't want to practice it, I just want to be able to talk to my coworkers about it.
Going over to shush a group of people who are yukking it up by the oversize books: "I think you know what I'm going to say to you."
The patrons look at me blankly.
Me: I'm glad you're having a good time in the library, but please keep it quiet.
No response. Then, as I am walking away, the man asks: "Is Trump a genius?"
Me: I'm not supposed to talk about politics at work.
The patrons all start laughing again, but at least they are doing it more quietly now.
Message from coworker: Just looked at the weather forecast. You might want to brush up on our tornado procedure.
Phone call: Can you go on Google or something and find out if there are any support groups for back pain in the area?
New phone call: I was watching the national news and they said there are credit cards where you can get six percent cash back on groceries and gas, but they didn't name them. They said a web address but it was too fast. Could you find that information for me?
Even newer phone call: I'd like the number for [local eldercare facility].
Um...what does it cost to print?
My password works and everything, but when I try to go to my email, there's a picture of someone else's face!
Do you think you could help me download a video?
Call: In your computer lab on the second floor...is there a computer with a scanner hooked up to it?
Call: Could I have the number for Stein Mart in Grand Rapids?
At 25 minutes until close: Hi. I need to print something?
And, here's Loud Background Noise Woman calling. Time to go!