For the boys who play their online shooter games with the volume turned up waaaay too high: A pair of giant, ear-covering headphones each.
For Mr. Take My Card, who we always have to wake up at closing time: A tent and a battery-powered space heater, so he doesn't have to relocate further away than the front lawn at night.
For Fedex guy, who we think is running a business out of the library and is always asking for shipping supplies: A stack of flat rate USPS boxes.
For the families who wander to different parts of the library and then shout across the building at each other: walkie-talkies. No, even better, tin cans attached to each other with string! That would give them a maximum radius.
For the Teen Librarian's Number One Fan: A framed photo of her and said librarian, for her to cherish forever.
For each high school kid who wants an immensely well-known book right now, because she is supposed to have read it by tomorrow, and she can't believe she'll have to wait two days for it to come over from another branch: A ten dollar gift certificate to Half Price Books, printed with a detailed map on it.
For whoever is stealing all the best DVDs as soon as they come in: A Netflix subscription.
For Construction Vest Man: His own bottle of whiteout. (Still haven't figured out what exactly he is using it for, but he asks for it every day.)
For the guy who is always thrilled when we copy and paste for him: Anything he wants, because he is great!
And, for Do You Have... Boy, a free pass to somewhere where he can look at or borrow as many books as he wants, even if he is never even going to read them. Oh wait, that place is called the library.