Today an old man who wanted two books by Lee Goldberg and had no concept of personal space told me two jokes, one about a woman thinking her husband was buying her a diamond pin for her anniversary but he was really buying her frozen yogurt from the shop next door, and one about a macaw who insulted a woman every time she passed it in the window of a pet shop. He guffawed loudly after both, completely oblivious to the serene quiet of the library around him.
The macaw joke highlight (it was this joke: https://www.reddit.com/r/I was working at the reference desk at our biggest location, which has two stories, earlier this week. A patron came to the desk and asked where the scanner and the printers were. I told him downstairs on the first floor. Then he asked if we had a map showing all of the libraries in our system. I told him that we did, unfortunately not up on this floor, but that he could grab one at the checkout desk downstairs. There was a long pause and then he said “what I really want to know is, do all of the libraries have the same Internet? I mean, can I go to another library and use the same Internet that I do here?”
I reassured the patron that yes, all four libraries had the same Internet.
A patron who wanted to check out 3 Christian fiction novels couldn't do so because she had a long-overdue book that someone else had a hold request on. She said some very unchristian things as she stormed out.
The branch I’m currently assigned to work at one day per week is doing a big push to get some of their code of conduct issues under control before summer reading starts, so on today’s four-hour desk shift I am walking around every 15 minutes. Some of my staff hate this, but I’ve become totally used to it. It reminded me that not everyone is inured to arguing with patrons like I am. So if you’re thinking about getting a public library job and you haven’t worked in a public library before, don’t skip this accurate, but possibly very tedious, refgrunt.
Two BFFs who I see in the library all the time who are needy but polite: We wanted to plug our devices into the outlet by the table, but someone has stuffed paper into all three plugs! Can you help us?
On closer inspection, I think it’s toothpaste. Ugh.
Sorry, you can’t sit on the floor in the genealogy stacks to listen to your music. You’re blocking traffic.
Older patron in camo pants and a veteran baseball cap: Can you put two books on hold for me?
They are two books in a WWII series by a navy officer, very on brand for this genre of patron.
I walk the stacks in the Spanish section and refill the approximately 50% of display stands that are empty. Like half the staff at this branch speak Spanish. Why does no one ever seem to come in here except me?
I can hear some kind of noise coming from the main seating area, but I can’t tell what. I walk around until I spot a patron with a laptop that appears to be emitting pure static. I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but do you have something playing sound that’s not plugged into headphones?
Patron: You can hear that from all the way over at the desk!? I’d hate to have your hearing.
Check the bathrooms. Men’s is empty, women’s has a backpack sitting on the floor and someone in one of the stalls. Hopefully the backpack goes with the person. We’ll find out in half an hour during my next restroom check.
Walk past a young guy who furtively stuffs something crinkly into his sweatshirt pocket. I know the sound of a bag of chips crinkling when I hear it, sir.
Visit the quiet reading room and put away a few abandoned magazines.
Back to the desk. Reset the password on someone’s library account for them and debate whether the guy talking on his cell phone needs to be shushed. He’s not speaking in that loud a voice, he’s just sitting in an area with terrible acoustics.
I don’t actually shush the cell phone guy, I just make eye contact with him and he lowers his voice when he realizes he’s being observed.
Someone is snoring over in the main seating area, but stops by the time I get there.
As I am looking for romance books to put on display on the endcap, a man stops me: Excuse me, where would I find books about the Donner party? It was a dark chapter in history.
Ugh, I end up having to shush the phone guy after all. He takes it well, though.
Check the restrooms again. The backpack is gone. Phew.
Finally someone comes to check out a study room. It’s weird that this has taken more than an hour. Usually they are all taken by now.
We have a handful of tablets mounted to the end of aisles that are catalog access points. Over the last few months, slowly the batteries have been swelling in them one by one and killing them. Just found another one today. Bummer.
Call from the circ desk: Did a guy in a puffy brown vest just come in?...Did he have a dog with him?
Uh oh.
Mrs. Emma, do you have a pen I could borrow?
Teach a kid how to use the self-checkout machine.
I’m sorry, but can I ask you to please keep your shoes on in the library?
Check the bathrooms again. Women’s is fine, men’s smells terrible but is empty and there’s no visible cause of the smell.
Now all the study rooms are full and I have to turn someone away L
Wake up a patron who is snoring. He’s very surprised to find out he was asleep. I hope he didn’t miss his bus.
Can you please turn up the volume on the TV screen in our study room?
Yes, but not as loud as you want me to turn it up.
A patron stops me on my way back to the desk to ask “Excuse me, can you drink in here?” And then gives me a funny look when I say “As long as it’s not alcohol, sure.” From his demeanor I thought he was about to complain about another patron, but I guess I read that one wrong.
Flirty patron (that’s been a while, ugh): Do you have The Art of War?
Different patron: Do you have Como el Secreto Cambio mi Vida?
Third patron: There’s a historical fiction book. It’s called Uprising by Jennifer A. Nielsen.
It’s always funny to me when the patrons deliver their questions as statements.
Do you have an airpod charger?...Is there any way to buy one?
