Yes, ma'am!

An older man asked if he could borrow a 'writing implement' and then when I said "Yes, just bring it back when you are finished" he saluted smartly.

People who aren't familiar with the internet really don't appreciate the importance of entering a URL exactly as written. So frustrating.

Our nuttiest regular (paranoid schizophrenic?) helpfully handed me a puppet that had escaped from the children's area.

A lady can't find 1040 Schedule D because its label is obscured by a messy pile of...schedule Ds. She laughs nervously and says "Oh goodness! Sorry, it has been a long day."

Dysgraphia Guy needs help copying and pasting--did computer designers anticipate what a difficult task this would be?

Coworker to five-year-old: Walk please!...Walk..Walk!...WALK!

Guy comes to reclaim a lost wallet and his $200 is still in it--sooooo excited!

The Retired Police Officer comes to tell me: "I know there isn't really much you can do, but for what it's worth, I just heard that lady ask for the social security number of the person she was talking to [on the phone] and then read it back to her. The whole thing. I checked to see if anyone was writing it down."

Help us type in this captcha? (Captcha identification is an important librarian skill)

It's hard to convince people that each sheet of 1099-MISC tax forms has two forms on it. It's especially hard to convince the guy with 90% gold teeth.

Bad weather

Today I'm running the ref desk all by myself because the roads are iced over and the adult services librarian who lives one town over couldn't make it in. Before we opened the other staff people were saying oh geez, why are we even here, no one will come today, but the library is about 1/2 as busy as normal, maybe even a bit more, and we have some extra visitors because power and even heat are out in some places. Mostly though I have been fielding in-depth phone calls from people who are stuck at home, including of course some people who want *my opinion* on whether it is safe to drive to the library (It's very tempting to say "Well, I made it here alive, but then again I'm getting paid!").
 Other things people want today:
-Dysgraphia Guy, wants help with the copier and to chat
-Can you watch my ipad which I am charging here while I go look at books?
-What kind of e-reader should I buy?
-We are staying at the Motel 6 down the road but there's no power. Can we get a pass to use your computers to do our schoolwork?
-Can you help me print these emails? They are evidence in my divorce.
-From the director of libraries who is here today because her HQ branch has no power: Do you shelve large print new books with the regular new books? (I am living in fear of her because last year I complained about the Christmas decorations making non-Christians feel unwelcome and she called me personally to condescendingly dismiss my complaints, but as the day goes on I am getting more and more convinced she has no idea that I'm that person.)

Refgrunt from The Day It All Was Broken

Can I have a code for my brother? (i.e. computer pass) Yes I am totally not checking library cards today. Take ‘em, take ‘em all!

Did you want to use a computer, ma’am? Let me give you a guest pass.

Did you see the sign about the computers, ma’am? Here’s a guest pass.

Guest passes.

Are the Ranger’s Apprentice books over in that section [YA]? Yes!

Another person who thinks that two hours after you place a hold request it will be there for you. Not the case, but the book is Gulliver’s Travels, so it’s easy enough to find a copy in the library.

To confused people looking at each and every self-check machine, all with “Under Service” signs. You’ll have to go to the customer service desk.

You’ll ALL need guest passes.

You can’t play the Wii because you are five.

Guest pass.

Sorry, I can’t check the status of your holds. I can look to see if any are here though.

Guest pass.

My USB isn’t working! Unfortunately there’s not much we can do about that because your USB is broken.

My card isn’t working to get on the computer! Guest paaaaaaaaaasssssssssssss!!!

Mohawk Kid (a regular)--you need a guest pass!

How do I print?

To Mowhawk Kid: You know you can’t eat sunflower seeds at the computer. Clean them up, okay?

Can I help you with anything? No, we are thinking about buying a house here so we are just checking out the neighborhood.

Go and print more guest passes.

Excuse me, it’s not letting me get on any computer. Ggggguest pass!

Not a Service we Provide: Calling your estranged daughter in Argentina and trying to convince her to talk to you.

Dysgraphia Guy can’t print—he used a guest pass to log on to the computer (correct) but then tried to use his library card to release his print jobs (less correct).

Everyone is so MAD that they have to use a little piece of paper to log into the computers instead of their library cards. You actually have to do less typing with the guest passes. Somehow I don’t think people will appreciate that if I point it out though.

Will this computer pass work tomorrow? No, but we’re hoping you won’t need it tomorrow.

Another nice regular. I am going to call her Audrey because she has a name of an old movie star and she is one of our classiest-looking patrons. Always very fashionable. She too wants to know, will the pass still work if I come back later today?

Um, this isn’t working. I thought she was confused about the guest pass but apparently she didn’t even know what it was—she had found it and was using it as scrap paper to write her library card number on, so at first she was really confused about what I was saying!

A book called Rush. We can ID it (It’s the YA novel by Eve Silver, with a blue cover), but it’s not on the shelf.

I’d like to sign my mom up for some computer classes. I would love to sign you up but first you need a library card.

Guest pass.

Cover the children’s desk for an hour while our YS person is at lunch and work waaaay harder over there than I did all morning at adult reference. That’s the life of a children’s person.

The Other Side by Jacqueline Woodson.

Can you hold these books for a minute?

What are all these books? Bluebonnets.

Walk, please.

Ariel (as in the Little Mermaid)--why oh why are these cataloged by author? It makes them SUPER hard to find without the catalog.

Walk, please!

Little girl, you need a pass to get onto the computer, typing your card number in isn't going to work.

Where can I check out books?

Can you help me find picture books about the senses and about community helpers? Sort of. It will be really hard and time-consuming since the catalog is down, but otherwise it would be really easy. Grr!

Biography of Helen Keller.

WALK PLEASE!

Pointing to Sports Illustrated Kids cover: Do you have any books about OSU?

About the school or about the football team?
The football team.
I don't think so, but I can show you the other football books and movies.
He sees them--not good enough.

Talk to some ladies at the copier who compliment me on my Spanish, even though I use it to tell them they have to go to the customer service desk to break their $10 bill.

Where can I get my son a library card?

Geronimo Stilton--thank goodness I don't have to try to look up that one.

Rainbow Magic--same thing

Reading list for 6th grade?

Mailbox somewhere?

Can I use your scissors? I’m trying to send this picture to my friend in jail and they don’t like things printed off the internet. This is the nicest guy trying to contact people in jail who I have ever worked with.

Guest passes 2x, but they are both good sports.

Book on blogging. We don’t have the one he had in mind but he’s satisfied with a different one on the same subject.

My card doesn’t work. GUEST PASSSSSSSSS!

Guest pass.

Books by Iceberg Slim. All checked out, if we own any.

Is there something like this [reference world atlas] that my son can check out?

Go and print more guest passes.

Thrusts card in my face—this isn’t working.

God’s Smuggler by Brother Andrew—not on shelf.

Texas Driver’s Handbook—I can NEVER find it, it is my white whale.

Can I print from any computer? Yes, IF you have a guest pass.

I can’t log in. GP.

Driver’s handbook guy comes in—will drive to the closest branch to see if they have a non-reference copy, because my colleague couldn’t find one either.

Directions to a restaurant. Easy!

Least favorite patrons: The ones who ask multiple staff members to do things that require the catalog, as though the first person who told them it was down system-wide might have been lying.

Woman is walking around looking lost.
Me: Can I help you?
Woman: Can you make change? (Holding up a five-dollar bill)
Me: No, sorry, but if you go to the customer service desk they will be happy to make change for you.
Woman: Okay, thanks.
Then she goes back to the printer and messes around a little, tries to put the $5 in the machine, looks over at me.
Woman: So it takes fives?

Me: No, sorry, only ones. That would be happy to make change for you at customer service.

 Much less clueless woman: Do you happen to sell headphones here?

My favorite phrase, “Sorry, not here, but if you go to customer service…”

Fascinated by the hundred ways to say, I can’t get into the computer with my library card and I need your help.

 Talk to a sweet kid—please enter the bookmark contest! I so want someone from our branch to win!

Legend by Marie Lu. Another book I KNOW we have but it’s checked out and I can’t. place. Any. D***. Holds on it. Aargh!

Is X-Men: First Class on hold?

Do you mean on hold for you, or on hold for someone else?

No, I just wanna know if it is here or over there? (Points at DVD area and hold shelves)

Well, did you check the regular shelf under XME for X-Men?

It’s not there. This is another Legend scenario.

 Wii controller.

 Wii controller is out of batteries.

 Legend girl: How much is a new library card? Because my friend punched holes in mine.

The 17 Day Diet. It’s actually there! Hooray!

Can you check if my hold is here?

A Kid with a Lot of Questions.

Kid: I want to pay my fines.
Me: Sorry, actually you can’t today, our system is down. But you can still check out books.
Kid: Will the fines keep growing?
Me: Not if you renew your books.
Kid: Okay. Is the catalog working? Can you like look up books?
Me: No, sorry, everything is down. But I can still show you where things are. I just can’t tell you what is checked in or not.
Kid: No, I mean can you look up my account?
Me: No, sorry.
Kid: Why is everything down?
Me: They are moving the computers that all our stuff is on to, uh, different computers.

Kid: Oh, okay.

Go to show a woman how to release more than one print job at a time but she is on her cell phone. No help for you then, lady!

Woman with a $20 bill pinned to her tank top: “I was trying to print this and it came out weird, can you help?” I take a look at her computer and get her document set up so that it will print the way she wants it to look. Then she says, I only have fifteen cents left, but I want to print two pages…”, hinting, so I say, “I see you have a twenty-dollar bill there, ma’am. They would be happy to make change for you at customer service.” “Oh, never mind.” She is disappointed that I won’t give her five cents’ of free printing even though she has 200 times that much money pinned to her shirt! The audacity.

I want to see what I have out. Sorry, you can’t.

And of course I can never go a whole day without asking, "Do you want me to show you how to print more than one thing at a time?"

No I'm not a notary, and no you CAN'T bring your lunch!

A typical afternoon:

Are you having trouble with the catalog? I am just trying to get back to it!

Is math tutoring full? Yes, sorry.

Consult with a coworker about a display we are working on together.

Do you have a notary? No, sorry. But I (i.e. my librarian coworker) can give you some suggestions about where to go.

Help with the printer.

More help with the printer.

Can you actually bring a lunch to the lunchtime book club?

Dysgraphia Guy: Can you give me one cent? I have nine but it costs ten to print.

Me: YES I will override the printer for you. But more importantly, I need to talk to you about speech and language pathology.

Coworker calls: The person with the bag of books is on hold, she wants to know if we can keep them for her until tomorrow morning. The person who originally dealt with her has left for the day so I make an arbitrary decision that we can.

Make a list for Dysgraphia guy of speech therapists in the area. (Thanks, Molly! You are the best.)

Gang of boys approach with grandpa. Oldest brother: “We need books appropriate to our lexile score.” Yikes. Fortunately they ‘can find them themselves’ if I can just tell them how to get on to a computer. Grandpa confides that he doesn’t know what a lexile score is either.

It turns out Lexile Grandpa’s card is from the pre-public computer era so he doesn’t have computer access. I get on that whole lexile score thing on my own computer and find Bunnicla for one of the boys. LG makes them shake my hand to say thank you.

Someone has every single Franklin book checked out. Every. Single. One.

Books about Egypt.

Accost a teenager who is standing in an empty patch of floor looking around in immense confusion.

Me: Can I help you?

Teenager: No, I’m just trying to print something from a computer here.

M: Oh, all right.

T: Am I supposed to be reserved or something?

M: Did you make a reservation?

T: No.

M: Well, do you have a library card?

T: Ohhhh…..no.

M: Do you have some kind of ID with you?

T: Yeah, a driver’s license.

M: And do you live in [Our City]?

T: No….

M: Well then I’m sorry, but there’s not much I can do.

T: I went to [Local High School].

Me: Sorry.

Books on CD. Not exactly self-help. Just about LIFE.

If you had any DVDs for sale would they be up there? Yes.

What do computers do? (Homework assignment). Well, what do you use computers for, little girl? To play games…to look up words on Google…There you go, all set!

All the news about printing that's fit to print

Spot Dysgraphia Guy, who I haven’t seen in ages, but he gets away before I can tell him about speech/language pathology! Bummer.

Demonstrate num lock.

Is this where I would find Chuck?

The TV series?

No, the librarian.

No…he works at a different branch. But can I do something to help you? Get three articles from JSTOR and email them to her—she doesn’t want to pay ten cents a page at the library, she would rather go to Office Max where she has a ‘special deal.’

Michelangelo? The Art of the Vatican?

Where can I find a French dictionary? Oh, I thought it would be in reference (Just for my own edification I checked—there are two there, but both giant and not Webster’s, and she chose the small Webster’s from the regular shelves)

Help our happiest regular print out an article about some kind of herbal cure and he is thrilled! This is great, thank you so much! Thank you!

Observe him assisting two other patrons with the printer.

It took part of the screen away. Don’t worry, that will go away, it won’t affect your printout.

(Different patron) These all printed out cut off. Did you print preview? No…Help me fix it? Sure, as soon as you are back on those six websites.

Unfiltered computer—blocking a religious website.

Explain holds process, place holds for Lego Ninjago movies.

Really loud cell phone—after a couple of rings the owner runs with it to the lobby.

The ‘printed out cut off’ patron reprints all her pages without giving me a chance to intervene.

Patron on the unfiltered computer not only thanks me when he is finished, but turns the monitor off and puts the ‘unfiltered’ sign back up, just like it was when he got there!

Struggles with the user-unfriendly printing system.

You need to click ‘okay’ for it to print.

How to track changes on Microsoft Word. She doesn’t have a question, only a warning that she is going to have a question. Or, more probably, a lot of questions.

Can I borrow a pen?
 

Track changes is a success!

Books on dance, any?

Pointing at picture: Do you have this book? (Pokémon Handbook—Black and White) Nope, sorry.

Chat with the usual cute three-year-old. She wants the newest Library Mouse book, but it is checked out.

Mercer Mayer books.

Another branch calls with a shelf-check. It’s there!

Princess books.

Pointing to poster: Excuse me, is this the title of a book, and is this the author?

Which library is this?

Christmas books: “My little fellow, this is the first year he understands Christmas, and he keeps asking me when Santa is coming. I hope I can find something that will appeal to him.”

Where is my hold?

Lonestar books.

I can’t get back into my computer!

The Name of the Star, checked out.

Crowdsourcing

Dear Intelligent, well-informed, clever readers of this blog,

Today I got a reference question that stumped not only me but two actual librarians. I'm hoping that crowdsourcing, the solution to all problems in this modern age, might be able to solve this one too. One of our nice regulars came up to us with the following problem:

When he writes, he tends to leave out words, enough that his sentences often do not make sense. It’s not that he doesn’t know which word he should use, it’s just that he forgets to write down all the words he thinks of. He was looking for a resource that would give him strategies to stop doing this.

We got him a proofreading book. We also considered books on grammar and books on reading comprehension (hoping that making him more self-aware about his reading might make him more aware of what he was writing) but we didn’t have much success. I just do NOT know where we could find out what he should do, but I bet its out there somewhere. Tell me if you find it, or if you have any idea where I should look.