Librarian Low Points (part 3)

 Spotting That Patron in a non-work context and having to hide.

 Working really hard on a program and then no one comes.

While browsing in the bookstore, you suddenly realize you're mindlessly straightening the shelves and fixing mis-shelved items instead of looking for things you are interested in reading.

Stumbling across a statistic about how much the average person with a masters' degree makes.

Spending your whole budget for the Dewey 300s on replacing the branch's copies of The 48 Laws of Power and Anne Rule books instead of getting to buy new titles.

At work on time

 Pulling holds near the computer area this morning, I observe a patron come in at 9:00 AM sharp, then make his way straight to the vending machine, the printer coin box, and the fax machine coin box and feel around in the coin return of each one. You can tell he does this every day

Do you work here? (Part 2)

...no, this is what happens to you if you return your books late.

...no, but the librarians are all too afraid of conflict to ask me to come out from behind this desk.

...if my shift ended 15 minutes ago but I haven't been able to escape, is that a yes?

...technically, most of my work is actually accomplished over by the print release station.

...until the director figures out that I'm the author of our latest Google review, yes.

Crabby Saturday librarian

(Courtesy of https://64.media.tumblr.com/0dbcefc16a0f8f10751d77d898c80e6d/0419aef259754211-69/s1280x1920/a13381cae52a4f223b4cfaa5b7079fc3418e254a.jpg)

Sir, I'm going to need you to keep your shoes on in the library.

Me: I'm sorry sir, but if you are going to eat, I'm going to have to ask you to go down to our lobby area.

Patron, flinging his bagel into the trash can forcefully: Fine! Then I'll just throw it away!

Me [in my head]: No one asked you to do that, sir.

For the rest of my shift, every time I pass near this patron he tries to set me on fire with his eyes.

SIR, you need to keep your shoes on in the library.

A patron gives me a five-minute rant about our public computers but repeatedly declines to fill out a comment card to make the complaint official, even though they are anonymous.

I gesture at a patron on a Zoom call in a study room to please lower his voice. He rolls his eyes and then says to the people on the call, in a voice 1% quieter than before, "I've just been told to keep my voice down."

This branch has two kinds of chairs, wooden ones and ill-advised cloth armchairs that you'd have to pay me $100 to sit on. Someone has taken several plastic bags and arranged them carefully over one so that she can sit in it without making any direct contact with the fabric. I get the idea, but why not just sit in a wooden chair, ma'am?

Someone has taken apart all the different sections of BOTH our copies of the local newspaper and interfiled them seemingly randomly before piling them up on a table.

 

Me to patron watching a loud YouTube video on his phone: Hi sir, do you have a pair of headphones?

Patron: Yeah.

Me: ...

Patron: ...

Me: I'm going to have to ask you to either put them on or lower your volume.

Patron: What about that guy who's snoring?

Me: He is MUCH quieter than you, sir. If he causes a disruption, I'll shush him too.

 

They're back

 Today an old man who wanted two books by Lee Goldberg and had no concept of personal space told me two jokes, one about a woman thinking her husband was buying her a diamond pin for her anniversary but he was really buying her frozen yogurt from the shop next door, and one about a macaw who insulted a woman every time she passed it in the window of a pet shop. He guffawed loudly after both, completely oblivious to the serene quiet of the library around him.

The macaw joke highlight (it was this joke: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/28iwct/a_woman_walks_down_the_street/?rdt=37421):

Patron: Do you know what a macaw is?

Me: Yes, it's like a big parrot, right?

Patron: Yes, but with a REALLY long nose.

It's ALL the same internet, actually

I was working at the reference desk at our biggest location, which has two stories, earlier this week. A patron came to the desk and asked where the scanner and the printers were. I told him downstairs on the first floor. Then he asked if we had a map showing all of the libraries in our system. I told him that we did, unfortunately not up on this floor, but that he could grab one at the checkout desk downstairs. There was a long pause and then he said “what I really want to know is, do all of the libraries have the same Internet? I mean, can I go to another library and use the same Internet that I do here?”

 I reassured the patron that yes, all four libraries had the same Internet.

Irony

 A patron who wanted to check out 3 Christian fiction novels couldn't do so because she had a long-overdue book that someone else had a hold request on. She said some very unchristian things as she stormed out.

Did she mean One Two Three Four or what?

 Me: Would you like me to reset your PIN for you?
Patron: Yes, please.

Me: Of course. What would you like it to be?

Patron: Four numbers, right?

Me: That's right.

Patron: Are they case-sensitive?

Me: ...um, no ma'am.

Belated Saturday refgrunt

 The branch I’m currently assigned to work at one day per week is doing a big push to get some of their code of conduct issues under control before summer reading starts, so on today’s four-hour desk shift I am walking around every 15 minutes. Some of my staff hate this, but I’ve become totally used to it. It reminded me that not everyone is inured to arguing with patrons like I am. So if you’re thinking about getting a public library job and you haven’t worked in a public library before, don’t skip this accurate, but possibly very tedious, refgrunt.

Two BFFs who I see in the library all the time who are needy but polite: We wanted to plug our devices into the outlet by the table, but someone has stuffed paper into all three plugs! Can you help us?

On closer inspection, I think it’s toothpaste. Ugh.

 

Sorry, you can’t sit on the floor in the genealogy stacks to listen to your music. You’re blocking traffic.

 

Older patron in camo pants and a veteran baseball cap: Can you put two books on hold for me?

They are two books in a WWII series by a navy officer, very on brand for this genre of patron.

 

I walk the stacks in the Spanish section and refill the approximately 50% of display stands that are empty. Like half the staff at this branch speak Spanish. Why does no one ever seem to come in here except me?

 

I can hear some kind of noise coming from the main seating area, but I can’t tell what. I walk around until I spot a patron with a laptop that appears to be emitting pure static. I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but do you have something playing sound that’s not plugged into headphones?

Patron: You can hear that from all the way over at the desk!? I’d hate to have your hearing.

 

Check the bathrooms. Men’s is empty, women’s has a backpack sitting on the floor and someone in one of the stalls. Hopefully the backpack goes with the person. We’ll find out in half an hour during my next restroom check.

 

Walk past a young guy who furtively stuffs something crinkly into his sweatshirt pocket. I know the sound of a bag of chips crinkling when I hear it, sir.

 

Visit the quiet reading room and put away a few abandoned magazines.

 

Back to the desk. Reset the password on someone’s library account for them and debate whether the guy talking on his cell phone needs to be shushed. He’s not speaking in that loud a voice, he’s just sitting in an area with terrible acoustics.

 

I don’t actually shush the cell phone guy, I just make eye contact with him and he lowers his voice when he realizes he’s being observed.

 

Someone is snoring over in the main seating area, but stops by the time I get there.

 

As I am looking for romance books to put on display on the endcap, a man stops me: Excuse me, where would I find books about the Donner party? It was a dark chapter in history.

 

Ugh, I end up having to shush the phone guy after all. He takes it well, though.

 

Check the restrooms again. The backpack is gone. Phew.

 

Finally someone comes to check out a study room. It’s weird that this has taken more than an hour. Usually they are all taken by now.

 

We have a handful of tablets mounted to the end of aisles that are catalog access points. Over the last few months, slowly the batteries have been swelling in them one by one and killing them. Just found another one today. Bummer.

 

Call from the circ desk: Did a guy in a puffy brown vest just come in?...Did he have a dog with him?

Uh oh.

 

Mrs. Emma, do you have a pen I could borrow?

 

Teach a kid how to use the self-checkout machine.

 

I’m sorry, but can I ask you to please keep your shoes on in the library?

 

Check the bathrooms again. Women’s is fine, men’s smells terrible but is empty and there’s no visible cause of the smell.

 

Now all the study rooms are full and I have to turn someone away L

 

Wake up a patron who is snoring. He’s very surprised to find out he was asleep. I hope he didn’t miss his bus.

 

Can you please turn up the volume on the TV screen in our study room?

Yes, but not as loud as you want me to turn it up.

 

A patron stops me on my way back to the desk to ask “Excuse me, can you drink in here?” And then gives me a funny look when I say “As long as it’s not alcohol, sure.” From his demeanor I thought he was about to complain about another patron, but I guess I read that one wrong.

 

Flirty patron (that’s been a while, ugh): Do you have The Art of War?

 

Different patron: Do you have Como el Secreto Cambio mi Vida?

 

Third patron: There’s a historical fiction book. It’s called Uprising by Jennifer A. Nielsen.

It’s always funny to me when the patrons deliver their questions as statements.

 

Do you have an airpod charger?...Is there any way to buy one?

Old Woman Fan Club

Like many libraries, our Friends of the Library group sells books at our locations as a fundraiser. We don't have lock boxes, so we take the payments for the books at our front desk and lock them in a desk drawer. An advantage of this is that we can make change for patrons if needed.

Nice old lady: I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I want to by a $1.00 book, can you break a $20?

Me: I totally understand, no worries. Let me check...Do you mind taking a $2.00 bill?

Lady: Not at all. I think it will be worth something someday...[pause]...I think it will be worth two dollars.

Quick reference shift

 A man asks: Does your sister work here? 

Me: No, I think I just have one of those faces. People are always asking me if I go to their same church and stuff.

Man: Seriously!? Me too, actually! Three times already this morning I've had people ask if they know me from somewhere. I'm 51, so I don't think I went to school with you, sir...

I told him I was excited to meet another person like me.

Later as I was passing the area where he was sitting, he held out his fist for a fist bump.

A kid asks me for help figuring out 15x12 (I show him a trick my dad taught me, that 15x12 is the same as 10x12 and 5x12 added together).

Same kid, later:

Hi...[grabs a piece of scrap paper]...bye!

I have to tell about 50 disappointed families that tonight's storytime is cancelled (our usual presenter and our backup are BOTH out sick, and I could do it, but only if we wanted to just leave the reference desk unstaffed all night). They are all so nice about it and I can't tell if that's better or worse than people being crabby.

A break up a study-room-related incident that has escalated to one patron threatening to sue the other for assault (don't worry, no one was actually hurt).