S'am?

I was reading a diversity-themed issue of Public Libraries magazine today, and came to the conclusion that the single invention that would be the most helpful to my job is a gender-neutral equivalent of "sir" and "ma'am." Well, either that or some kind of x-ray vision device that would enable me to magically tell if someone who is slumped over is 1) asleep, 2) passed out, or 3) actually just texting under the table.

Trains

 At the Small Town Library, a family is leaving storytime.
Mom: We're not going to play with the trains.
Toddler: Why?
Mom: Because every time we do that, you cry.
Toddler: Why aren't we going to play with the trains?
Mom: I don't know; why do you cry every time?
Toddler: Because it's time to play with the trains!

Both Small Town Library and Downtown Library have train tables. They often make emotions run high, but this is the first I've heard of someone who is brought to tears at every interaction.

April Fools

Why play jokes when this is a regular day at your job?


A man who has a selfie of just him alone as the desktop background of his computer.


A man who argues with me that a print directory of Michigan nonprofit organizations "must exist" because there are so many of them. Then he answers his phone at the desk "I'm at the liberry. I didn't know if you were going to call me back."


People shouting in Arabic on the stairs.


Patron asks for government information we don't have. Coworker says, "It looks like they have those documents at the County Library down the street." Patron: "What!? This isn't County Library!? Then what is this place!?"

Over the walkie-talkie, we hear Barney the security guard say "I'm going to get a mini-skirt to match Bill's."


While I am using the public restroom, a voice form the next stall over says, "I am so sorry to bother you in this situation, but does the library sell tampons!? Anywhere!?" (I end up getting her one out of my purse.)


Are there stairs I can take up to the next floor, or do I have to take the elevator only?


Spot patron who cried when the printer's coin box spit our her ten dollar bills as quarters. She still makes me nervous.


You know those computer viruses that are popups that tell you your computer is infected and that you need to dial 1-800-555-SCAM for 'tech support' to fix it? One of those messages popped up on a patron's computer and I had to go interrupt her phone call with the scammers and convince her that they couldn't fix the computer and that she should hang up.


Someone has stolen Schedule B out of our book of reproducible tax forms.


Our oddest phone patron, Ms. Opp for short, calls, but she just wants to know--"Science Friday isn't on our local npr on Friday afternoons anymore! What happened to it?"


Excuse me, could you pleas help me find this book? The catalog said it was on the shelf but I couldn't see it.


On my way back from this, I hear a quiet howling. I have to interrupt a man who is listening to something on his phone with his headphones in. When I politely suggested that he might not have his headphones plugged in all the way, he just stared at me, so I said "I heard howling." "Oh, yeah, that's my ringtone." "Well, if you could silence it while you are in the library I would appreciate it."


The closing elevator doors don't automatically stop closing for a last minute passenger, but he forces his way into the elevator anyway as the doors try to squash him. The other man already waiting to descend looks awkwardly on.


Phone call from someone who wants the phone number for a local Mary Kay representative (what?). It's hard to talk to her because she keeps pressing buttons on the phone the whole time we're talking and it beeps and beeps.


"I'll just leave my backpack right here by your desk." No, you won't.


The 30 minutes warning comes on over the loudspeaker, announcing we close at 6 today. From the computer, I can hear someone go "Aww, man! I forgot it was Friday!"


Patron: Did you ever figure out why the library website won't open in Chrome?

"Do you have an occult section?"

This is something I get asked surprisingly often, more than once in those exact words. I'm surprised that's a thing the general public knows.


By the way,  the answer is yes. Of course we have an occult section.

Hypocrisy

Me: Why don't patrons come and ask for help sooner!? All of this confusion was so avoidable, if only they would talk to me!
Me: *spends twenty minutes at the grocery store looking for a nutritional supplement without asking anyone who works there a single question*

Downtown patrons

"Hey lil' mama, can you tell me what website I would go to to see who a phone number belongs to?"

Whining

Grumpy librarians at the end of the work week, waiting for the library to be shut down so we can leave.


"I know I've been here all night and now it's two minutes before closing, but I want to check out all these books. And pay my fines. And renew my library card."


"It's 5:50 p.m., time for the lady who wants all the addresses to call. No, A as in AWFUL!"


"Why are the computers turned off? I need to print a thousand pages right now!"


"Katie, I can't get into Yahoo. Can't you tell me my password? Doesn't the library keep a list!?"