Working a shift at a branch today

Where is the little people's area? [Kids, not adults who are very short]

I want to get my GED. Can the library help me?

A toddler is crying loudly while I check out her mom's books. In an attempt to help, I make a funny face at her when she makes eye contact with me. She reacts by turning up the crying to a full meltdown.

Another patron who wants to get on a computer without a library card and, when told the policy, wants us to break it for him, but won't SAY that that's what he wants.

Can you get a book out of storage for us? Swiss Family Robinson? Oh wait, I mean an audiobook.

Can I do community service at the library? [The answer depends on if they mean the court-ordered kind or not.]

This computer won't play any sound even though I have my headphones plugged in.

Where do you keep the books on request?

There is a glass wall between the children's section and the adult section at this branch. Library assistant at the reference desk calls down to the checkout desk to tell me that a man has walked full-speed into it and gotten a bloody nose--"Just a heads up, I gave him an ice pack and some paper towels and I think he's going to be fine, but I'm going to submit an incident report."

Mom is signing her six kids up for library cards and has to fill out a consent form that is thoughtfully streamlined so that parents of more than one child don't have to sign multiple forms, they just have to add a line with each child's name and date of birth. But still she asks "Do I have to write down ALL of  them?"

Patron: Do you have a copier?
Me: Yes. Well, we have a scanner, you need to scan to print.
Patron: I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that.

A librarian from another branch called--a patron had an interlibrary loan sent to you, but he changed his mind about where he wants to pick it up. Can you send it over here instead?

Homeless regular: Hi Miss...Sarah?

Pretty close, pretty close.

I lost my library card. Is there any way I can still check out books?

Two different patrons ask me how many books they can have checked out on heir library card (50 at a time)--one is horrified by how much that is, one is concerned it won't be enough.